Toddlers today!
They think they’re so great with their soft, sensitive baby wipes and special orthodontic pacifiers.
When I was one, baby wipes were like sandpaper and left bruises the size of grapefruits all over my butt. And when I got cranky? I didn’t need no fancy, shmancy pacifier. I sucked on my cold, bare thumb until the skin fell off and had to be Krazy Glued back together. And I liked it fine that way!
And just look at all these expensive toys they have today. They even know how to use an iPad. An iPad?
When I was one, I didn’t have an iPad. I didn’t even have a drawing pad. If I wanted a touch screen, I had to lick my finger and run it across my dirty bedroom window until it turned so black it stayed that way for a week. And I liked it fine that way!
Today, when these little whippersnappers get a toothache, they get special medicine to numb the pain. Aw, isn’t that nice?
When I was one, they numbed my pain alright…with a shot of cold, hard whiskey! That stuff burned for weeks and covered my entire chest with thick, black hair by the time I turned 3. And you know what? I liked it fine that way!
Nowadays, the so-called “experts” tell us to leave kids alone and let them decide what and when to eat.
When I was one, all I got to eat was thick green goo out of a jar with a picture of a pudgy-faced baby on the side that smelled like an old person’s sweaty gym socks. It was awful and made me want to throw up in my crib. And I liked it fine that way!
And when these kids go for a ride in the car, they have these big ol’ comfy car seats to keep them all nice and safe during long trips. How special.
When I was one, I didn’t have a car seat. I didn’t even have a seatbelt. Our car had rusty metal springs under the seat cushions, and my little 1-year-old ass would end up all black and blue from getting bounced around like a rubber ball going over potholes. I’d end up with a busted lip just going out for some milk and cheese. And I liked it fine that way!
Yeah, these toddlers never had it so good. They just expect everyone to just drop whatever they’re doing and give them whatever they want whenever they want it, or else they’ll scream and cry and make everyone around them miserable.
When I was one…
…I did the same thing…
…AND I LIKED IT FINE THAT WAY!
…and now that you’re not one you write a column that brings welcome laughs to lots of people. And we like it that way!
Ronnie
I never thought about writing on the dirty window. I used to blow on the windows to steam it up and write on it. Then my mom made me clean it….
Yeah that would probably work better but wouldn’t quite capture true suffering.
You survived the road trip – welcome home.
Thank you for making me think of my parents – you forgot the tag line ‘And we were Grateful!’
I am going to go and send this to my children now – thank you.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to visit your blog. Something I kept meaning to do, just did a clear out of old blogs I don’t really follow anymore though so here I am!
Excellent post, kids of today have it so cushy, I fear for the future of humanity.
I figured you’d like this one Pete.
And I just realised I’d visited before, I definitely should start sleeping at regular times!
Dad? Is that you?
How did we ever survive?
I have no clue. I often wonder how my kids will survive.
I wonder what 1-year olds 2 decade hence would be like…
Enjoyable read, Rob!
They will be cyborgs with computer chips that allow for unending whining and crying. Luckily we will able to short out their circuits with simple water.
Excellent fiction, Rob.
Love,
Your mother
You are totally channeling Dana Carvey in this one….AWESOME!
Yeah, I was hoping someone would pick up on that.
You and your 1 year old ass. HA HA I laughed and I like it that way.
And someday, when the toddlers of today are grown up, they will tell the new generation of toddlers about how easy they have it. LOL!
I enjoyed your post, Rob.
I totally agree. I don’t have a toddler, but I have a dog. Not much difference, really. When you get tired of either, you just put them in a kennel.
Hmmm. Not sure the why would go along with that one.
I’m sure disposable nappies were around in my day but my parents still put towelling nappies on that just went in the wash (out of spite I expect). And they washed me in the kitchen sink.
They are all spoiled, entitled brats. I can say that since I have 4 myself.