Unemployment Down, Republicans Chugging Pepto-Bismol Up

When John Boehner asked, "Where are the jobs?", he wasn't hoping for an answer.

WARNING: This post is slightly more serious than normal Mainland articles.  Our regularly scheduled stupidity will resume later this week.

That cacophony you may have heard Friday afternoon was the sound of the entire Republican establishment collectively vomiting after investors and Democrats sprung massive boners when January’s jobs report revealed a net gain of 243,000 jobs. The unemployment rate dropped again to 8.3%, the lowest level in 3 years, and continued to wreak havoc with the Republicans’ diabolical plan to publicly dismember President Obama.

For the four remaining idiots candidates seeking the Republican presidential nomination, Friday’s news was kind of like getting kicked in the balls after you’ve just been doused with pepper spray.

Make it stop! Make it stop!!!!

If this trend continues, it’s going to be awfully hard for buffoons like Mitt Romney to keep going out there with a straight face and saying things like this:

“We welcome the fact that jobs were created and unemployment declined. Unfortunately, these numbers cannot hide the fact that President Obama’s policies have prevented a true economic recovery. We can do better.”

Oh, Mitt! You do make me laugh, you handsome tax avoiding flip-flopper, you. I seem to recall a little op-ed piece you wrote for the New York Times back in 2008 concerning the (then) proposed bailout of the auto industry. I believe it was titled, “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” and went something like this:

IF General Motors, Ford and Chrysler get the bailout that their chief executives asked for yesterday, you can kiss the American automotive industry goodbye. It won’t go overnight, but its demise will be virtually guaranteed.

Without that bailout, Detroit will need to drastically restructure itself. With it, the automakers will stay the course — the suicidal course of declining market shares, insurmountable labor and retiree burdens, technology atrophy, product inferiority and never-ending job losses. Detroit needs a turnaround, not a check.

How’d that work out for ya, buddy ol’ pal? General Motors has reclaimed its status as the world’s top-selling automaker, Chrysler was in the black for the first time since 1997, and Ford, which didn’t accept bailout money, finished 2011 with its best market share gain since 1970.

I seriously hope that if Romney does become the nominee, that at some point during the debates, President Obama turns to him and says, “Now Mitt, would you kindly look into the camera and tell America how retarded you are?”

Now w-w-wait a second. I only hid about $50 million in the Cayman Islands. I have more than that shoved under my Corinthian leather couch cushions right now!

It’s laughable to think where we’d be as a country right now if people like Romney and other Republican clowns got to do things their way. In case you forgot, here’s a list of just some of the legislative wins currently sitting in President Obama’s trophy case that the Republicans fought tooth and nail to prevent.

• The 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (the stimulus bill) which despite blatant Republican lies, created between 1.4 million and 3.3 million jobs and prevented the unemployment rate from topping 11% or more.

• The overwhelmingly successful auto industry rescue noted above, which Republicans across the board claimed wouldn’t work and was merely another part of President Obama’s double secret plan to turn the United States into a socialist hellhole.

• The Affordable Care Act (health care law) which despite Republican claims of being a government takeover of healthcare even though it relies solely on private insurance, now extends coverage to millions of Americans who were previously denied because of pre-existing conditions. Not to mention the significant savings Medicare recipients are receiving on their prescriptions.  Oh, and it reduces the deficit, not that Republicans are really serious about that.

• The killing of Osama bin Laden and Gaddafi without the loss of a single American life. The delusional Ron Paul opposed this.

• The complete withdrawal from Iraq as promised, allowing service members to come home and reunite with their families. Republicans objected to this as well, going so far as to question whether President Obama knows anything about foreign policy. The man got bin Laden without any U.S. deaths, while Bush had us playing Where’s Waldo looking for WMDs.  My money’s on Obama.

• The repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, which everyone on the planet approved of except homophobic Republicans like Rick Santorum who are afraid of contracting “the gay”.

• The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which helps women ensure equality in the workplace.   Of course, crusty old Republicans like John McCain opposed this.