The WordPress gods are scared of me. That’s the only plausible explanation as to why they have yet to feature any of my awesomely fantastic posts on Freshly Pressed. Why are they scared you ask? It’s simple. They are afraid that once people become aware of my amazing writing skills, all hell will break loose. A beast will be unleashed that can’t be shoved back in its cage. The sheer volume of traffic pointed at this very blog will bring the entire WordPress community to its knees. Bloggers around the world will start to panic. New recipes for hazelnut macaroons will vanish in thin air. Those random pictures of wild mushrooms will never been seen again. Even spam comments won’t be able to poke their way through. It will be chaos. It will be pandemonium. It will…
…OK, maybe that’s not the the reason I haven’t been Freshly Pressed. The more likely scenario is that my writing is actually interesting and worth reading. Freshly Pressed is supposed to represent the BEST of WordPress. It says so right on the freakin’ page. So how then does a post like this get selected? No disrespect to the author, but I think he and I can both agree that this could have been easily written in 2 minutes while taking a dump.
And this is my main problem with Freshly Pressed. What is the incentive for me to give up precious reality TV time, slaving over a post until it’s got just the right combination of wit, humor, and intrigue if the powers that be are going to keep featuring useless pieces like 20 ways to fold a cocktail napkin (I’m making that one up, but I wouldn’t doubt that something similar actually exists.)
If someone only saw the world through the eyes of Freshly Pressed, they’d think this is just one big ‘ol happy place full of nothing but singing birds, daffodils, and grandma’s chocolate scones. Well, I don’t know what world the WordPress sultans live in, but my world ain’t like that! We have terrorism. We have corruption. We have crazy ass Newt Gingrich seriously planning on making the moon the 51st state for chrissakes!
Are alleged pictures of the biggest sunflower ever really the best we can do here?
But alas, I am just one lonely Microsoft Word user in a sea of millions. Each time I post a new article, I know I am competing with tens of thousands of other hungry bloggers desperate for a little lovin’. I know my writing is good. The 390 people who follow this blog know it’s good. And that SHOULD be good enough. But I feel like I need to even the score with the editors. Since they will not Freshly Press me, I will have to take matters into my own hands. That’s right…I’m Freshly Pressing myself!
There, I feel better now!
APRIL 2012 UPDATE: Due to the overwhelming popularity of this post, I wrote a follow-up piece that now gives YOU the power to Freshly Press YOURSELF! Check it out here.
I hope you didn’t hurt yourself!
Amen. I’ll do the same thing I think. I’m a little tired of photo essays through Nepal, Book reviews of Chicken Soup for the Soul and recipes on vegan burritos.
LOL, no, the iron was unplugged.
Bahahahah yes agreed – WordPress definitely seems to be the place for “intrepid photographer/travellers” and soccer moms whingeing about “mom jeans”
I have come to the conclusion that my blog never gets pressed because of all the cussin’ ….
Also, if I were to write a post on how terrible the majority of the Freshly Pressed blogs are, would WordPress secretly hate me and refuse to elevate me to Freshly Pressed forevermore, out of spite? Like when you rag on the teachers pet, and then the teacher hates you for the rest of the school year?
I’m pretty sure this very post doomed me. But Im on my own server now, so now I don’t have to ever look at or worry about Freshly pressed again. In fact, that’s why I named the featured section on the homepage Freshly DEPressed.
Amen to that!
Thanks!
I actually hate the movie Groundhog Day. Why does merely mentioning it in a post qualify as Freshly Pressed. Just because it’s topical? I wrote about Groundhog Day!!! (http://liquorstorebear.com/2012/02/02/alexander-keiths-red-amber-ale/)
The problem is you have to actually be able to read more than five sentences to appreciate it. Blogging is not just vapid pictures; it’s writing, people!
I’m with you on this one.
And I hope you have some aloe vera for that leg.
How could anybody hate the movie Groundhog’s Day? Why? What did Groundhog’s Day ever do to you?
It’s repetitive, Bill Murray is funny-looking, and Andie McDowell is one of the most limited actors I’ve ever seen. It’s not a horrible movie, but there’s no reason for it to be iconic either.
Mostly I just agree that the post in question didn’t have much going on in terms of insightful writing. If that’s what gets you Freshly Pressed then I’d rather not qualify.
Thanks for sharing this post. Very nice job. Writing can be very relaxing.
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Bealived or not, I actually know a person who that`s that – puts the clothes and herself and takes the iron.
Regarding the freshness and pressing…well…you said it yourself. Have nothing more to add. (which is strange enough)
Um, that person may need some medication. You might want to check on that.
Whahaha! Totally agree! I’m going to get out my iron right now. Need to iron my shirt anyway. Also happy to press some fellow bloggers who don’t have their own irons, while I’ve got mine out. Let me know.
Good deal. We can start a revolution…or a dry cleaning service.
Hahaha, great post. I’m sure that every time you post the wordpress management looks timidly at each other and curses your name! They know that with each stellar post you their days are numbered. They probably called an emergency meeting for this one especially, I mean, you found a way to get around their fresh press!
Great job!
I know. I’m surprised my blog is still active today.
Check out the post up freshly pressed today, in all seriousness saying to lose weight then go for a walk and don’t get takeaways. No shit Sherlock.
its been full of whimsy of late, wasn’t always as I found half of the awesome people I subscribed to there, and they stuck me there once, I think they were fired though.
Now you see, that’s a very informative post. Had I not read that I would have just continued eating a whole box of Twinkies and wondering where the hell that 4th chin came from. Now, I know.
Hahaha! Man, I feel so inspiring today!
And you are right, some of the stuff up there is just plain… unworthy. But the worst bit about it is that once you get freshly pressed, hundreds of bloggers comment on and ‘like’ your post, no matter how redundant, dreary or sloppy the writing. Not to mention typos. If there is any writing at all. How many times have I seen posts up there sporting one (1) photograph, with or without a one-line explanation. Urgh!
You did it right, and if I were an FP sultan I would definitely FP you. No iron involved.
I have no problem answering 500+ comments. My ego can currently handle about 4,000.
More power to the oppressed. Sorry unpressed.
Hey Rob, another great post, I thought I might be the only one tired of the “live laugh love” feeling of the freshly pressed. I wrote an excellent (though long. I mean long [maybe just like yer example I need to keep my post to under fifty words] post about the Repub candidates. I thought it was insightful funny and accurate…maybe it’s my ranting angry style…but that still doesn’t explain why you keep gettin passed over…Oh well keep pluggin away man…great read
Yeah, I don’t think the FP people do angry…or long.
Hey, pass me that iron when you’re finished.
As you can see, my pants are quite wrinkled. Could take a while.
Well, I know for a fact my blog will never be freshly pressed. And quite frankly I don’t much care.
Great post. Cheers.
I kind of don’t care either.
Maybe they should rename Freshly Pressed to 15 Minutes of Lame.
I like it.
Rob, judging by the comments made above, you should be proud of your nearly 400 followers, (see how easy it is to up your numbers) and rest on your iron that you are greatly appreciated by really intelligent people, even if that doesn’t include the FP squad of judgment in all things fresh!! There, did I say it all. Oh, and I really enjoyed your post. Enjoy today and always, T
Thanks. Actually most of my followers are from Twitter and only agreed to follow me if I downloaded their gangsta rap album.
http://www.napkinfoldingguide.com/
And wow. Not to be a hater or anything, but that Groundhog Day post made me want to die a little. Cutting-edge journalism.
Wow. You really looked up napkin folding.
Um, YEAH. Now you don’t have to wonder anymore
What’s all this about freshly pressing yourself? Don’t you realize you could go blind if you do it too much?
Lol.
OMG. You have made me laugh. Thank you. I was kinda wondering myself about the repetiveness of FP………and that rarely is there anything of interest. And I look daily. I thought there was something wrong with me, and that I need to be more squeeky clean, fresh and pretty. But…I’m not. Glad I’m not alone…
Well if laughing is your thing, you’ve come to the right place. Yeah, it’s almost a disservice if you get freshly pressed these days. Kind of means that your blog is just dull enough not to get anyone excited about it.
I will put in a good word for you. Because your blog kicks ass !
Yeah, I don’t think they will like me very much after this post, but you can try, lol.
I think that “freshly pressed” thing is just a randomly generated batch of the most recent posts. I’ve been “freshly pressed” a few times, and I’m FAR from “the BEST of WordPress.”
Plus, I’ve never actually seen it. I only know it happened because I’ve seen it in my referrers on my dashboard.
Yeah, I often see lots of other bloggers who are dumbfounded when they get FP’ed. I read another post from someone who basically equated FP to those movie store employee picks that 9 times out of 10 usually sucked.
My Word. (The iron) Press!
Bravo, Sire!
Your comment made me think of Next Iron Chef. Maybe I should start a contest like that. 2 bloggers. 60 minutes. And a secret topic.
Ooh! I like the irony! And the iron, too, I guess.
It was a good read (in fact, it was so good). And why did I ever click on the link you’ve given (the Groundhog Day one)?!
Glad you enjoyed it.
Glad I stumbled in….no need to iron out any wrinkles here….
Great Post!
spread the humor:charlywalker.wordpress.com
Feel free to trip, stumble, or stub a toe anytime around here.
Thanks for reading.
I know a person who was FP’d recently,and who got thousands of hits .I asked her if any of them stayed with her blog, and of course they didn’t. So aren’t you better off with fans like me and lots of others, who keep coming back for more of your writing then with the fair weather friends of FP’d blogs?
Ronnie
Absolutely.
hi Rob! this is such a heartening post! I am a new blogger and thought I was the only on who thought that some of the “freshly pressed” was not worth “consuming” .. now I know I have company.. glad to stumble upon your blog.. will keep visiting.
You will find that most people feel that way. Welcome to blogging.
And congratulations! You were my 600th comment!
I am honored to be 601.
Actually there’s been quite a few others this morning. So you are more like 611. Hope that’s ok.
The story of my life . . .
Hehe…you ain’t right boy…But, I love ya…
I’m a legend in my own mind. The WP administrators don’t have to see that. Just my blogger pals!
I’m awesome like that (and so are you!)
Better to create a community with fellow friendly bloggers with similar interests. That’s what I’m attempting to do…
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
Exactly. Feel free to stop this community any time. We have low HOA dues.
Here is the reason: Real writers worth reading, write because they must, its in their blood. So… WP figures it can neglect you as they trust you wont wander off and leave as soon as the novelty wears off, your dedicated, trustworthy and reliable. The poor writers on the other hand, need rewards or WP will loose them. So think of it as FP = freshly placated.
I write all my blogs on the toilet.
I hear you. It’s kind like a moment of zen for me in there.
@chrisdevoss…Doesn’t that rub off on your skin?….NVM
I was surprised this week when my email starting blowing up with ‘like’s, etc, (I thought maybe I had finally picked good key-words) and when I got home I found that I had been ‘ironed’….I mean…you know.
I never expected it, or hoped for it, but had wondered…how? and why? Did they pick one of what I would consider my better efforts? No
My guess is that the names are drawn out of a hat…well, maybe a little more technical than that, and have no relation to the merit of the post, the oeuvre of the post-er, or any of the things that one might think would be fitting criteria.
And I do believe that most, if not all of the ‘like’s are merely affectations, baiting the hook for reciprocal likes.
I’m afraid that mostly I am unable to reciprocate!!!
I just read this. Big baby…(I don’t know if I have commented enough for you to know I’m just teasin’)
Yeah I figured it out.
I have to confess, I only go into FP now and then to check that the bandwagon of commenters is still rolling its way through FP Town, sprinkling the “congrat’s” here, there and everywhere with regularity. I am in awe of such sustained energy, not to mention positivity in the light of certain posts. . . . .
Plus, I have written more than a few rum posts/photos etc in my time which are just as bad as some of them and still mine don’t get picked!
Congratulations on Freshly Pressing yourself! And for bringing a smile to my face after I had a bad day. Thank you!
Your welcome. That’s what we’re here for!
If you want something done right, then do it yourself. Good job on being proactive. Screw freshly pressed. I’ve seen some of that stuff. I think they roll dice or spin a bottle or something. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to their selections. I prefer to be Freshly Sprayed with Downy Wrinkle Spray.
[...] will really help with my Freshly Pressed problem. Now, I can FP myself 6 times a day if I like! Great ego [...]
Just came across this on one of the forums on WordPress and love it! I have been Freshly Pressed but that was a long time ago. Since that time, I’ve fallen in and out of the mindset of trying to get back there, but I realize it is futile. Like you said, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the choices up there (other than photo blogs and probably some sort of dart throwing exercise). I try to write quality stuff all the time, and while I don’t think I’ll ever make it back to the front page, at least I know I have followers that like it.
http://sportsjim81.wordpress.com
Thanks for reading. At least you were lucky enough to be freshly pressed once. Im moving the blog to my own host next month and will have my own freshly pressed section. Sweet justice.
Great idea! I’m thinking of having my own site designed as well. Time to get out from under the boot of the man! haha. If you get a chance, I’d love to hear what you think of some of my stuff. I’ll be checking out more of your page now that I’m subscribed!
Will do. And make sure you subscribe to the Feedburner feed because after March 17, the site is toast (without a big stick of butter).
I’m convinced my constant use of the f*ck word is keeping me from being anything but wrinkled.
Very much dig your writing, Rob.
Haha. You are probably and glad you like my writing. Please make sure you read what’s going on on March 17th about me moving to my own island (aka self hosting). Wouldn’t want you or anyone else to miss out.
I just got fresh Pressed, kind of scary. I never go that many emails in my life in one day. it’s still going on as I type. I was looking to see when it would stop and I found your blog. so I guess I’m rubbing it in but honestly I like your blog
Mahalo
Congrats. As you may have seen I am moving the site to a bigger and better host next week so my obsession with getting freshly pressed will finally be over.
“No disrespect to the author, but I think he and I can both agree that this could have been easily written in 2 minutes while taking a dump.” HAAHHA! Man, you have a real talent! If you can make yourself and others laugh then nothing else in the world matters – except for groundhog day reviews of course! I really hope you keep doing what you do! All the best
Thanks. I appreciate it. I do have a talent for potty humor. Anyway be sure to take note of the move to a new host on March 17. Wouldn’t want you to miss out.
I love it! Pop ya own collar—freshly pressed as it were.
Charming post
I’m going to confess to you how I watch Freshly Pressed for terrible posts I think don’t deserve it. Here’s an example from today:
http://bariatricbeginnings.com/2012/03/30/blogging-the-best-form-of-therapy/
They must have sooo much to sort through, I’d expect a glaring element of randomness. I wonder what a completely random selection of blogs would look like.
Maybe next time you can freshly press yourself like olives. That would be an interesting picture.
Samantha recently posted..When Did You First Think of Yourself as a Man/Woman?
Hahaha! I just came over here from Kathryn McCullough’s blog. I love that you Freshly Pressed yourself. Rock on. I generally agree with you, except when it comes to my own posts that were Freshly Pressed. I think WordPress was so right-on in choosing those.
WordPress does make a few good choices every now and then. If you notice my homepage, I put the best posts in my Freshly DEpressed section. I think the name is appropriate.
Okay, Rob, this is freakin’ hysterical! The photo of the iron totoally cracks me up! I have to subscribe to you blog. You are too damn funny, my friend.
(And I know what you mean about some of the posts that are FP! What’s the deal?)
Hugs,
Kathy
Thanks. I might have to start selling mini irons in my store for those people that want to freshly press themselves too.
Haha! I have always wondered how those people get chosen. I usually don’t click on them but wow – 124 likes for that Groundhog’s Day post… What does that say?
Alright, I’m sure you’re well over 500 followers now but I’ll just join that group. You’re too funny not to follow.
Karen V. recently posted..Solodialogue to “I Wish I Didn’t Have Asperger’s”: #AutismPositivity2012
Thanks. I wrote that one when I was still on WordPress.com. I went to my own host as a protest for never getting fp’ed. Figured that was better than a huger strike.