The human body. Such a wondrous, complex machine, yet so vulnerable against the countless acts of stupidity we humans put it through every day. I wish I could say that I’ve always treated my body with the care and respect it deserves, but I’d be lying. My only hope is that others can learn from my mistakes or at the very least, post them on YouTube for all to snicker at.
That said, here are 4 things, based on my 36+ years of existence that you just shouldn’t do to your body.
4. Attempt to literally kick your spouse’s butt.
The incident occurred a few months ago after I had returned home from a long day of wishing I wasn’t at work. As I walked in the house, I allegedly made some sort of snarky, sarcastic comment to my wife. (It’s possible.) In response to said comment, the missus felt the need to go all Jackie Chan on me.
Now mind you, she is the proud owner of several black belts, just none actually in karate.
Yet despite this lack of martial arts training, she raised her leg and aimed straight for my derriere, which in her defense, was (and still is) a pretty easy target. But what she failed to realize was that my buttocks are equipped with a state-of-the-art threat deterrent system, designed specifically to combat such situations.
As soon as that leg invaded my butt space, my ass launched a counter strike, so loud, and so powerful, that it threw my wife’s leg completely off course and made her fall to the ground, writhing in pain. She literally had to crawl to the garage in order for me to drive her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with a severe ankle sprain.
I’m fairly certain the makers of the drug Boniva were inspired by this incident when they designed their logo.
3. Drink 21 shots (or more) on your 21st birthday.
Ah, your 21st birthday – the day when you can start showing bouncers your real I.D. instead of the fake one you’ve been using for the past 3 years. I don’t know how it works in other countries, but here in the United States, it’s required, by law, to attempt 21 shots on this most sacred of days.
Now the human body, especially the liver, was designed to process only one drink per hour. According to The Mayo Clinic (and common sense), binge drinking is bad for you – really bad. But when you’re 21 and in a college fraternity, common sense ceases to exist. I’m sure you can guess where this is going.
Our posse headed out to the local bars, and as is the custom, they immediately started ordering me shots. Nasty ones. From what I can recall, I did the first 6 fairly quickly and felt pretty good. As I moved into double digits, I did start getting a little woozy, but damn it, I was determined to go all the way to 21! I was a rather portly individual back then and felt that I had enough blub stored up to absorb the alcohol and go the distance. By number 14 I blacked out.
I woke up the next morning back in my room at the fraternity house, totally unaware of how I got there, but thankful I wasn’t face down in a parking lot somewhere. I opened my eyes and recall feeling completely disoriented, almost like I didn’t even know who I was. But then I looked down and saw the biggest pool of vomit I never want to see again. And that’s when the hangover to end all hangovers kicked in. Holy mother of God.
According to the fraternity brothers who were with me that night, I didn’t do 21 shots – I did 22! And I didn’t even have to get my stomach pumped, but lord knows I probably should have!
Nevertheless, it would be a long while before another shot glass touched my lips again. Like 3 whole days.
2. Cut your own hair.
Sticking with my college years, I learned a valuable lesson about attempting to cut your own hair. Don’t.
College was rough on me financially. I worked at the campus gym as an I.D. checker for $75 a week. Between beer and Fat Cat sandwiches from the “grease trucks” as they’re known at Rutgers University, that $75 didn’t last very long and certainly didn’t go toward seemingly more important things like books or personal hygiene.
So, in an exercise of frugality, I decided one day to try and cut my own hair. I had borrowed some clippers from a Latino kid across the hall that seemed to do this kind of thing all the time. I, on the other hand, always entrusted the care of my semi-Jewish afro to professionals, or at the very least, Super Cuts.
My intent was only to give myself a trim. I fired up the clippers and started hacking away. The problem was that I couldn’t get both sides to even out. So I’d trim a little more here and then a little more there. But then my hand slipped.
Stupidly, I didn’t realize that you needed to put attachments on the clippers. Had I realized that, the damage might not have been so bad. Instead, I had what appeared to be a huge crater in my head. And outside of wearing a baseball hat 24/7, there was only one way to fix it.
Yes, I shaved the whole damn thing, upon which I became forever known as “Fester” to many of my friends.
My 5-year-old son is terrified of the buzzing sound that the clippers make. If only I had the same fear.
1. Use Nair to get rid of chest hair.
If you couldn’t tell from #2, I’m not all that fond of hair. This especially goes for my 70’s porn star chest hair. My first attempt to deal with the problem was by shaving. But this proved to be an epic fail when after 2 hours and an entire package of disposable Bic razors later, my chest hardly looked any different. I needed something else. Something that was fast and guaranteed to work. Something that was cheap and I could ashamedly apply in the privacy of my own bathroom.
And that’s when it hit me.
Nair!
Nair is (or at least was) generally a woman’s product used to remove small amounts of hair on legs or the bikini area. It was not, to my knowledge, designed to be used on Ron Jeremy.
But I was desperate and wanted that chest hair gone immediately, no matter the cost!
I purchased a bottle and like a kid with a new toy, rushed home to slather it all over my chest without bothering to read the instructions. You know, the ones that say DO NOT GET ON NIPPLES!
Oh I got it on my nipples alright!
Of course, NOW they make Nair for Men.
Where were you 15 years and 2 aching man boobs ago?
CTFU! Too funny: your poor wife’s foot, was it ever the same again? When you wrote your butt launched a counter offensive, I imagined it sucking her entire leg up… no, never mind.
My BF makes me do the ‘close clipping’ part of his monthly head shave, and by God I will do anything to get out of it, even faking a early-onset Parkinsons style tremors for fear of creating such a dent/crater. Once, I accidentally gave him a pointed bald spot above one ear, so I had to even it out by doing one on the other side. No, I didn’t tell him, or even admit it when he sort of noticed it in the mirror. I like him and want him to stick around.
P.S. Chest hair on men is lovely, even the Ron Jeremy style look, as long as it isn’t rough as a brillopad: I don’t know why men don’t luxuriate in the free clothing that is chest hair and put lots of their wives’ conditioner in there to make it soft and nice smelling. Of course, I say that because I’m a woman imagining what I would do if I was a dude, but of course, no sane dude would ever fess up to using his wife’s toiletries…
http://www.cakesandshakes.wordpress.com
Haha. The one benefit to having chest hair is instant insulation during cold weather. I can jus throw on a thin t-shirt in 30 degree weather and be totally comfortable.
One of my besties drank 18 Moosehead beer on her….18th birthday. How she’s alive to this day is an act of some type of paranormal phenomena. Great pot….errr….post. =)
Thanks. I haven’t had Moosehead but if it’s anything like Bud Light, I don’t think Id feel a thing after 18.
That was hilarious!
Did anyone else notice that there are only 20 shots on that table? That’s right, I counted.:)
Lol. Good catch.
I remember your 21st birthday so well. After our celebratory dinner where you were, um, a tad under the weather but I had no idea why, do you remember me threatening to sue all your frat brothers if you died from alcohol poisoning? And after your botched chest shaving, I gave you a gift of having your chest professionally waxed, which is why I guess you thereafter went to Nair. And after my botched attempt at cutting your hair where you had to stay home from school, I guess you thought you could do it better yourself. Thanks for the memories, Rob, you had me LMAO.
Oh my, the memories… As a kid, I actually tried to cut my own eyelashes. You know, the urban legend of when you cut your hair it will grow back longer and stronger…
As to the alcohol poisoning, I waited till I was 30 for that, and for me it was to celebrate passing my divemaster course. It’s funny how chugging down insane amounts of ethanol is supposed to validate you as a grown up and mature person. Or a dive professional, for that matter.
Oh well, at least I never had struggles with “70’s porn star chest hair”, thank god for small mercies. And thank you for another round of chuckles.
I am cringing at the thought of putting a scissors anywhere near my eyebrows.
Ha ha! Coming home after a long day of wishing you weren’t a work! After reading this I have learned that 1) the drinking age should be raised to 45. 2) The Mayo clinic is only qualified to give advice about drinking salad dressing, not alcohol and 3) Guys should not be let out into the world until they are more mature . . . like around age . . . uh well probably never!
I don’t think 45 year olds are any better when it comes to drinking.
College is certainly a good time to abuse one’s body!
The 21 whiskeys is definitely a bad idea. Supposedly Dylan Thomas’ last words were ‘I have had eighteen straight whiskeys. I believe it is a record.’
“my buttocks are equipped with a state-of-the-art threat deterrent system, designed specifically to combat such situations.” that’s funny.
If we only knew then what we do now… Nair used to have such a nasty odor! Does it still I wonder? Since I refused to ever buy the stuff, I never wore short-shorts like the ad.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
OH, I FOUND SOMETHING GREAT FOR VALENTINES- check out my post.
Do I detect multiple issues with hair?
Yep. I can’t stand it.
Oh dear god the thought of original nair on your chest is the most frightening thing on wordpress i have ever come across.
Wow. That says a lot. Lol.
What you shouldn’t do is trim your pubic hair with a pair of scissors, not pay attention and cut into your ball sack, then proceed to try and stop the bleeding by applying Old Spice aftershave/cologne (the alcohol is supposed to stop bleeding). That my friend, is a little glimpse into the pain I’ve suffered in my life.
Very funny and good advice, all! I would just add one addendum to #2: “…or convince your wife to cut your hair.” My husband has very curly (wonderful!) hair as well so naturally he prefers a flat top, go figure. When we were broke he convinced me I could cut it for him if I just watched a how to on you tube like I do when I decorate cakes because, of course, they’re almost the same thing. *face palm* I actually managed a decent flat top…or so I thought. Then the curls started popping up one by one on both sides of his head like evil whackamoles until he looked like Wolverine, a look that’s hot as hell on Hugh Jackman…significantly less so on my husband. Never again.
– Kristen
My man wanted to go smooth once as part of a halloween costume. I waxed about 1/16th of his chest before he practically passed out. Wimp. Now, if you could finish THAT feat, you would be a true man. A manly man. I double dog dare you to try it.
You should embrace your chest hair. My man is COVERED in hair (chest, arms, legs, back, shoulders) and I would hate for him to get rid of it. It’s very sexy.
LMAO. I love your list. I think I have to agree with the 21 shots most of all. Although, at that age, I’m sure it seems like a swell idea.
Ha ha…Another great post..
Thanks!